COULD LOOSE IT ALL

We don't have a choice to stay We'd rather die than do it your way With our backs to the wall, the darkness will fall We never quite thought we could lose it all Ready, aim, fire

[presto]

caesar would never admit to it, but when he married portia, it had been perhaps the most selfish thing he'd done. a year after marie, he'd stopped dating altogether and focused solely on raising his son. and then he met portia and it was finally to the time when caesar would probably have to start raising himself, a time when cassius would no longer be there to keep him in line. he honestly had never thought his relationship with portia would have such an adverse effect on his relationship with cassius. and if he was being honest, that part of marrying portia had hurt like hell. suddenly he couldn't have his son in his life and his wife. and he could pass laws and deal with childish court officials, but he didn't know how to react to this sudden shunning from his son. there had been nights where he could sleep over the worry he felt at the thought of being unable to repair what he had with cassius. but at the same time, there was an anger at his sons reaction. he had devoted his life to his son, had resisted any attempts at finding love because of cassius and now cassius was all but having a childish meltdown because he wasn't the only person that mattered in caesars life anymore. why couldn't his son just be damn happy for the fact that he found someone to make him happy? why was that so damn hard? caesar found himself warring with these feelings more often then he should. portia tried to soothe him, but what good could she do when she was technically the one causing the issues.

if there was one thing he was absolutely positive about, it was the fact that he was going to do whatever it took to mend their relationship, except to divorce portia. maybe she couldn't always soothe him but she took care of him and he loved her and she made him happy. it seemed odd for him to have thought about charlotte so much before marrying portia, but he did. he loved portia, it was a fact he'd never question. but his heart would always belong to charlotte. and he'd found himself wondering how different things would have been had charlotte survived. cassius would have romped around with her, laughing and smiling. maybe he'd even have siblings, who knew. while cas hadn't exactly been planned, he couldn't have imagined having another child with a different mother. and if portia asked, he wouldn't hesitate to say no. not to be mean, but because he didn't think he could handle it. it was one thing that caesar could promise cassius. he wasn't going to get another siblings. cassius would be his only son. and he figured that cas would probably appreciate it, seeing as he still didn't like portia much. no more dinners together, no more easy conversations and saturday movie nights. just a dog that reminded him of his son and a woman that he loved and whom made him happy. somehow it didn't all add up. there were no family dinners and no family movie nights. he'd been married to portia for four years but still nothing.

caesar had just gotten out of the senate for lunch and he had texted cas to see if they could meet for lunch. he'd picked one of their favorite places to meet for any sort of meal, a local little burger joint. he hadn't gotten a response yet, but he could at least home. until all this happened, he couldn't have imagined the idea of his son making him do anything besides smile. but recently, it was just tears and a sad stressed smile. he hadn't felt this torn apart since charlotte died. as he sat in one of the smaller booths, farther away from the other people, he buried his face in his hands. caesar was an older man, he knew it. even with people living to the age of eighty, he was still considered old. but throughout his entire life, he hadn't felt old until cas stopped visit. he'd never considered pulling out his hair, but things had changed. if he hadn't been in public, he would probably be crying. it was hell. hell in the midst of heaven. he'd gotten everything he ever wanted, but did he really? what was the point of it if his son couldn't stand his wife? he looked up when someone tapped on the table, only to be dissapointed by the sight of a waitress. i'm sorry sir, can i get you something to drink?have you guys changed your mind about serving vodka?no sir, sorry sir. he smiled, hoping not to alienate her too much. just a water please she smiled and nodded, scurrying away as fast as she could without being totally obvious he was sure. she came back a few minutes later and he sipped the water, closing his eyes as the cold liquid slid down his throat.

[/presto]

I almost cried - cassius bartholomew roswell - 840

text message tone Sitting in his one bedroom apartment, Cassius hears his phone go off an picks it up. There could only be a few people it could be and he had an idea of who it was. Yep, his father. He sighed lightly. Cassius really missed how things were with his father from before he met Portia. He knew he was being greedy and selfish but he missed his father. To him, Portia seemed to have all of his attention when it wasn't on his work. They never really did anything together like they used to. Yeah, maybe he was jealous of the woman who took his spot in his fathers life. Didn't that give him a right to be angry or upset? Well, maybe not completely but he felt it did. Portia always seemt to try too hard to be 'special' in Cassius's life. He didn't want her to have to try, he wanted her to just be. But how was he suppose to tell that to his fathers wife? Stop trying to be my mother. That was what all step mothers wanted to hear right? Looking at the text message he sighed again. His father wanted to meet up for a bite to eat. Cassius knew he was putting his dad through a lot and he felt like a complete asshole for it. Honestly, Cas hated seeing his father so down and miserable. He really didn't want anyone to be miserable but he wanted them to know how he felt. Sure, he had a father and a step mother who seemed to care about him but he just didn't feel a connection with her. He was happy for his dad to have found someone to make him happy, to make him feel whole again, but that didn't mean she made him feel like that. So, what did he do? Instead of sticking around and having to deal with it all he decided to move out and go to college. He got a job and lived on his own. This way, his father could be happy with his wife and not have to put up with his son every day. Win win right? Well, it was lonely. Sure, his father was the senator and yes, Cas would make appearances with him every now and then but it seemed as if they were growing apart. Cas even took up writing music, singing, and playing guitar again. He knew he wasn't good but he liked the way the music made him feel. He could let out all his emotions on the guitar, no matter what one it was. However, in the end it was just a guitar and it was just words. One day, maybe he would be in love like his father is. Cas didn't know what it was like to be in love. Sure, he dated and had been in relationships but they never usually lasted. One day that would change. Deciding to text his father back, he got up and got dressed into something a little more presentable to be seated with the senator. He texted, "meet you there." Not sure what else to write, it was quick and to the point. Slipping on his shoes he grabbed his keys and shut the door behind him, locking it. He got down to his car and opened the door and got in, turning it on. Cas sat there for a moment. He really hoped going there would end up in the two of them getting into a fight. He was so done fighting with his father. He hated seeing him so upset and knew it was mainly all his fault. Putting the car into drive he made his way to the resturaunt. Parking, he got out of the car and headed inside. When he got inside, he looked around for his father. Spotting him, he walked over and stood at the booth. "Dad?" Seeing his father like he was killed him inside. Cas slid into the booth and stared at his father who looked like he was about to break down and cry. However, before he could say anything, a waitress walked up quickly, "Can I get you anything?" Cas turned to her, "Water." and then looked away. It was like the girl wanted more from him and was disapointed she didn't and huffed and walked away. Cas sat silently, watching his father. tagged: (open) words: (words) outfit: (link) notes: (n/a)

made by remi of i'm so curious

We don't have a choice to stay We'd rather die than do it your way With our backs to the wall, the darkness will fall We never quite thought we could lose it all Ready, aim, fire

[presto]

people often said that you raised your children the way your parents had raised you. in a way, caesar supposed he could see it. he had in a way raised cassius in almost the same way his parents had raised him. but unlike himself, cassius had never been raised on a farm. he'd been raised in the city and the only animals they owned were just the three dogs. sometimes, caesar wondered how different his life would have been. would he have met charlotte? would cassius even exist in his life? caesar couldn't ever say for sure. he couldn't actually imagine loosing cassius. he'd devoted twenty two years of his life to raising his son. and for about fourteen years of that, caesar had never been with another woman, instead focusing on his son. falling for portia... well he'd never meant for that to happen. she'd walked into his office one day, planning some party to celebrate some accomplishment of his. and she never walked out of his life again. he wished somehow, in some way, that he could explain to his son just what love felt like. he couldn't tell cas how all consuming it was. all of the was just something cas was going to have to find out one day. then he would know that crushing feeling of adoration, the way you would do anything for that one special woman. a love like that was hard to find, getting it once was all that one could wish for. but having it twice was like a miracle all on it's own. once he'd proposed to portia, it seemed he couldn't have that ring on his finger soon enough. but there was no words for it. he could only hope that one day, cas would know.

and then, perhaps, forgiveness would come. perhaps on that day, they could mend the relationship that had since fallen apart. caesar didn't regret any parts of his life. he didn't regret going to law school, didn't regret going to college and meeting charlotte. and he definitely didn't regret having his son. while not planned, cas was the closest thing he had to a rock. no matter what was going on, cas was there. always reliable and always just within sight. in a way, caesar may have been raising cassius, but cassius was raising him too. maybe that was the thing that broke his heart the most, where cas had been his crutch, his stone. and he didn't know how to stand on his own. funny how he could sit in a chair all day and still find something new to think about while listening to them rambling on about some law that had somehow made it to the senate but would probably be shot down. it was an okay life, this living his dreams and then going home to a loving wife who seemed to never be able to give to many hugs or massages, even the kind that became more. any guy would kill to be in his shoes, right? it wasn't exactly like he was pressed for money. between his and portia's income, they were living comfortably. they never wanted for anything, never had to struggle to make bills meet. he was on the luckier side of the population and he knew it, but somehow he didn't feel all that lucky. if only his problems could be solved the simple way, with money and a smile, the way his other problems were usually solved.

now, sitting at the diner, he wasn't sure whether or not to expect cassius. he wanted to say that cas would be here if there was nothing else to occupy his time, but he couldn't say that. as he drank his water, he found himself casting fervent glances towards the door. he couldn't help it, even without the drama, he would have missed cas when he eventually moved out. it was natural, right? stiil, he had a hard time containing the smile hat heralded the arrival of cas, pushing through the door all by himself. it hadn't been just the two of them for awhile. he looked down at the table, sipping his water, pretending not to have noticed seeing cas. dad? it was cas. he looked up from his water - and the table - and up at his company. he couldn't contain the small smile that came to his lips, or the way he just seemed to light up around his son. he was just about to answer him when the waitress came up, asking for his drink order. he couldn't help but glare at the waitress in the 'don't you know who i am' annoyed way that he'd seemed to have perfected upon becoming senator. once the waitress had left, he looked at cas again. hey cas. he didn't bother to hide the warmth that his voice held. normally his next words would have been 'how're you?' but this time, it was an observation. you came. he didn't mean for it to sound accusing or even hurt, but he knew it did. he could hear the wariness in his voice as clear as day. they had once been so close, but now he almost felt scared. so often they found themselves fighting. he didn't think he had the heart to fight anymore. he smiled a placating smile that flickered before fading completely.

[/presto]

I almost cried - cassius bartholomew roswell - 899

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