God please help me (addie/cace)

XRIS REID

Was this real? Was he really back? He was not used to being able to sleep ina bed. Actually, the feeling was completely foreign to him and made it hard to sleep. Pillows were a whole other story. Xris would rather sleep on the hard floor mainly just because he was so used to it. He had been held in the military hospital on base for what seemed like forever. When he got back to the states, Xris and the others were so badly malnurished and sick. Everyone was suprised they were even alive. Xris was so skinny and his face was sunk in and not to mention the horrible scars that now littered his body. He looked completely different then he did many years ago. But after a few weeks with real food and medical attention, he began to gain weight back. Of course, he would forever bare the scars which he recieved. A forever reminder of what he went though, not that he didn't have enough to go through to be reminded. When Xris would sleep, if you could even call it sleep, he would wake up from terrible nightmares, sweating and his heart racing and sometimes even screaming. Luckily, the miltary has a new program for veterans returning from overseas that pair them with a canine that is trained to help them through certain things. Atlas has been a life saver that he never thought he would need. The 2 year old black german shephard was his saving grace. He made life just a little bit easier since being back. That little bit made a huge difference in Xris's life. However, he knew soon, he would have to see Addie, his wife. It had been so long since Xris had seen her and she him. He had been told by his commanding officers that she thinks he is dead. But now that he is back, he knew he would have to face her. It scared him to have to see her after so many years of her thinking he was dead. What would she say? What would she do? Did she wait, hoping he would some day return? Or has she moved on, not wanting to be alone the rest of herlife? Xris wouldn't blame her if she moved on. Sure, he would be heart broken but he would not be mad at her at all for doing what was right for her. It wasn't like she knew he would return. No one knew that he would return. Not even his parents. That was a fun converstaion or lack there of. Xris hadn't spoken to anyone in so long he had become quite a quiet person. He doesn't really say much unless he needs to. He is perfectly fine with sitting by himself in a quite room all alone, that was just something he had grown accustom to. Weird right? It was all normal now. Sitting in the room with family was odd for him. They were so close yet it felt like a dream. His mother wrapped him up in a hug just before he squirmed from her grasp. Such a touch felt almost gross. Physical touch now almost made him feel ....dirty. The doctors told him things like the touch would one day go away after being home for a while and getting used to it again. However, the nightmares and the sensativity to sound and the dark...well....that may never go away. But now he needed out. He couldn't be cooped up in the house anymore with people staring at him wondering if he would explode into some sort of fit of rage. "I need some space." He could tell that tore his mother apart. She had just gotten her son back literally from the dead and now he didn't want to be near any of them. I wanted to go and hug her. He wanted to let her cry on his shoulder, thanking the Lord he was back, but he just couldn't. Not now. Xris just wished they could understand. What he was going through was something he had to figure out on his own as well as with family. But this was just all too much for him at that moment. Xris grabbed Altas's leash and called for the shephard. He then walked from the house and began walking down the sidewalk. He had on nice jeans that were too big for him and a large baggy hoody that said ARMY with the hood up. He needed to see Addie. But, what if he walked up to her and she was with another man? Xris didn't know if he would be able to handle it. However his mind was made up. He needed to see her. He looked down at Atlas, a emotionless expression on his face. Xris made his way to her house. She didn't live far from where his parents house was so he just decided to walk, which ended up a poor decision on his part as the sun was beginning to set. Darkness was upon him. He decided to check the apartment that they had bought together to fix up. It was the only place he knew where to look. When he got there, his heart was racing. He was full of mixed emotions due from seeing Addie again. He began getting afraid of what he might encounter. Atlas was now on the leash and walking close beside Xris, sensing his growing anxiety. Another side effect from such horrible depression and PTSD was the random outbursts of emotion both good and bad. Atlas was there to calm him. So when Xris reached the door to the apartment his heart was beating hard in his chest. He had come all this way, it was too late to back out now. He raised his hand to knock on the door, pausing for a moment and then finally executing. Two soft raps on the door. He looked down at Atlas who was now sitting beside him, alert. Xris's hood was still up so his face was slightly hidden in the shadows. "Oh God please help me."

memories are just where

you laid them

dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead

when xris had been declared killed in action, she had sat in her apartment and just stared at every little thing that reminded her of him. she had cried holding their wedding picture with her wedding ring digging into the skin of her finger. every little trinket they bought together seemed to be just screaming out xris' name and the place was the memory of everything she had done with xris. she had her dad and her stepmother come and live with her for months, trying to get her functional on her own again without the hope that xris was missing and was going to come back. seeing his name under a list of soldiers assumed killed in action had killed part of her too. she had kept one of his favourite pairs of shoes by the door since she found out he was missing, hopeful that one day he'd come home and be able to throw them on and walk to their bench in central park together, hand in hand. when he had been declared dead...her dad had tried to get her to move them to donate them, but she couldn't. she still had some of xris' clothes hanging in their closet and those shoes remained at the door, ready for their owner to come home.

god, addie had hated this place when they first walked in with the realtor. it was old, the walls were crumbling and covered in hideous wallpaper, the carpet was stained and the bathroom had enough mold that she had thought they had painted part of the ceiling green. she had been wary of the idea of taking on a project like that, even if it was well below their budget and had amazing views of the city. she had expected to settle into a smaller one bedroom place with xris with the view of another building's wall and she had been okay with that. xris had insisted though and addie had believed in him and in months the place transformed. no more mold, the walls rebuilt and gorgeous hardwood floors. the kitchen was open and it was like the ones she had always loved in the magazines. they had picked out all their furniture together, even if it took addie weeks to find the perfect side table to match their couches and xris hadn't complained.

the only place that hadn't been completed when he was deployed was the master bedroom. it was their last project, the flooring was just coming in a few days after he left because they hadn't received enough hardwood and she had still been deciding on furniture that matched both of their styles. she had been dragging her feet after he had been deployed and when he was proclaimed missing in action she stayed in the guest room, hoping he'd come back to choose the furniture for them. when he was declared killed in action...when she was trying to heal and regain some sort of half-life with a piece of her soul missing she had finally finished it, finding the perfect furniture. it was bittersweet. their home was finally done but xris would never get to see it.

she had tried dating, it hadn't worked. every second with the man at the restaurant made her feel like an adulterer. one of the therapists she visited said it was because she never had closure, she knew that there was nothing buried for xris because there was no body found and that even with what the military said she was hoping for him to return. that therapist was right even if addie never went to him again. even though xris was dead, even though she knew he was never going to come back and that she should listen to the statement issued by his commanding officer, the shoes that stood alone at the door showed that she still wanted him to come home. he was the other half of her soul and she couldn't even imagine a life without him. so sometimes she pretended that he was still out and he was coming home for dinner and then her heart would break again when she knew it was a lie.

so she had bought george the orange tabby and had decided she'd just live with cats for the rest of her life. xris had wanted a dog and addie didn't think she could get one without her but he had always been a little less enthusiastic about cats so she thought it might help heal her a little. george acted a bit like a dog but he was still a feline. she was going to be a crazy cat lady, maybe someday having a whole herd of cats she could walk on leashes and be judged with. she could hardly think of ever being a mother knowing that all she wanted was xris to be there as a daddy. so she was going to be alone.

the apartment hadn't changed too much in the past two years since he was proclaimed killed in action. even with the master bedroom finished, she still found herself wandering over to the guest room and laying on her side of the bed and pretending she could still feel her husband next to her. sometimes she thought of how that denial wasn't healthy but other times she felt it was the only way she could survive it. dave thought her foolish, that xris would want her to move on and she needed to but addie disagreed.

addie sat curled up on the couch, wearing an old oversized army shirt that xris had left here when he left for deployment over a pair of pajama shorts. she had no plans for the evening and she wanted to be comfortable to try and finish the post-it-note flower collage she was trying to make for classroom decoration. she wasn't expecting a knock, so she furrowed her brows as she placed the tea on the side table (george was napping on the couch and as long as he was asleep he wouldn't push her drinks over) and wandered over to the door.

opening it without looking through the peephole (which she was pretty sure had terrified xris half of the time) she tilted her head at the sight of a man in an big hoodie, face half-covered in shadow. "are you looking for something, I'm sure...." words froze in her throat as she looked at the man, she saw his eyes and she felt tears well in her eyes. "oh my batman." she gasped (she was ever the kindergarten teacher). "xris?" this had to be a dream. a wonderful dream she didn't want to wake up from. that was xris's face, thin and pale but she could always identify those eyes. ignoring the large dog on his side she launched herself at him, gripping tightly. "please god, don't make this another dream." she whispered.

words: 1154 • tagged: xris/ren • outfit: is described

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