time keeps slipping back

1114 words

@carter

outfit; this post is ridiculously crappy….

IT GETS HARD EVERY DAY

charlotte could hear anastasia's wails from the crib, but for a moment, she did nothing. zachary was always the one who got up in the middle of the night to quell their daughter's cries. he was so good at it. all he had to do was pick her up and she would quiet down. ana was daddy's little girl in every sense of the word. and it took the blonde a few moments to realize that he would no longer get up to tend to their daughter anymore. the wave of sadness she had constantly pushed aside came rushing back up. she could feel the tears spring to her eyes. the familiar clench to her heart tightened until she felt like she couldn't breathe. was this ever going to get easier? was she going to wake up one day and be okay? it seemed like the pain would never end. to the public, she seemed okay. sad and mourning, but okay. they didn't know she struggled to wake up every day and force herself out of bed. they didn't know how many times she considered just laying there and never getting out. she knew, if she turned her body the other way to the side that zach used to sleep on, she could still smell his shampoo on the pillow. but it wouldn't just be his shampoo. it would be his own unique scent mixed in too. she knew the smell on the pillow was starting to fade, so she refused to allow herself to turn that way. she knew she should get a hold of herself. get out of this grief because if she didn't, it would only drown her in this pit of misery, but she couldn't. she couldn't let herself let go of the one person who made her whole. he was always the one who kept her firmly on the ground when she started to float. whenever she was down in the dumps, he was the first one to put a smile on her face. he meant everything to her. and it killed her to know that he would never be there for their daughter. wouldn't be there for any of her firsts. she didn't know how to be a parent on her own. didn't know if she was ready to be a single mother. but… she had no choice. this was not something she could just walk away from. she couldn't. anastasia was the only connection she had left to zach. and she was going to be the best damn mother on earth. she had to be, for her baby girl. she would do anything for her. but she didn't know the first step to becoming a good mother. if only her own mom was here. she'd know what to do, what to say to make this feel like her world wasn't falling apart. her mom had always been good at knowing what to say at the best times. and charlie sure could use a few wise words from her right now, along with her hugs. ana's piercing cry forced her out of her thoughts. she forced herself to sit up, and then slowly made herself get up and go towards her daughter. for anyone else, it was an easy task, but to leave the comfort of her bed had proved to be a difficult task for charlie nowadays. sometimes her publicist would have to, literally, drag her out of bed and get ready for practice. 

she leaned over the crib to pick her the tiny human being, cradling her in her arms, "what's wrong baby girl?" she asked softly as if ana understood the words coming out of her mouth. instead, however, her daughter just continued to cry as if she was disappointed that it wasn't zach holding her. "do you need your diaper changed? are you hungry?" still, she received the continual tears. she rocked her daughter in her arms as she walked around the room. "shhh ana, i know." she wished zach was here to calm her too. she knew ana neither needed a diaper change nor was she hungry. it was always around this time of the night that her baby girl would wake up from a bad dream and cry for her father. "don't cry, sweetheart, momma's here." she murmured, trying to fight her own fatigue as she rocked ana in her arms. she didn't know how long it took before the small child succumbed to her sleep, but by then, charlotte was already a walking zombie. she didn't dare put her daughter back in the crib in case she would wake up and cry again. and she knew she should probably catch some sleep on her own, but she also knew that sleep would not come. it never came easily for her. she would have to fight the memories and cry herself to sleep, and honestly, she was so tired of crying. she just wanted the heartache to go away. she was stupid if she thought the suffering would end soon. off in her room somewhere, she could hear her phone ring. she knew, without having to look, that it would be her manager. she didn't bother to get up off the couch to pick it up. she knew what he would say. or what he was trying to do. he was making sure she was out of bed and that she was eating. and then he would tell her what a busy day that had ahead of them, but she didn't want to do anything. she just wanted to sit in this couch, and let her baby girl sleep in peace in her arms. she wasn't hungry even though she couldn't remember the last time she ate. she didn't know what time it was or even what day. and honestly, she didn't care. she just wanted to live in this bubble where she didn't do anything or think about anything. however, judging by the call, she supposed it was probably around five in the morning. that was usually when he liked to call. it was like her own personal alarm clock. she could hear the phone ring again, and somewhere in the back of her mind she registered that she should pick it up. not because she wanted to answer it, but because her brother was most likely sleeping still. that is, unless he hadn't already been woken up by ana. still, she did nothing about the call. maybe she should get up. pretend things are okay. make breakfast for carter. something. but she couldn't make herself do anything. she was momentarily paralyzed with the ability to find motivation in doing anything.

x

The cries woke him from his deep slumber. Okay so maybe his slumber wasn't all that deep and really he felt as if he would have woken up not too long after. But it was the cries that woke him. He didn't mind really, he was used to waking at all kinds of god awful hours for his job and if he had to be honest, being woken by a baby was a lot more appealing to him than by an alarm telling him that he had to go to work - at least the baby wasn't telling him he had to go off and do something. He did like his job though, no he loved it, but sometimes he just needed a break and that was just what this visit to America had all been about, that and seeing the sister that he hadn't seen for a few years. And while his vacation was supposed to be, well a vacation, tragedy had struck and his brother-in-law had passed away and Carter had made the decision to stay in the country with his newly widowed sister and now fatherless niece. But he hadn't told Charlotte that yet - he was sure that she'd tell him to go home and that she'd be fine but he wouldn't do that and definitely wouldn't let him believe that she'd be fine, damn she'd just lost a very important part of her life, no-one could be fine after that. He'd be there for as long as he was needed, and not just for as long as he was wanted. It meant that he'd probably have to babysit, that was something that he hadn't really ever done before but he was willing and really he was a bit excited about it. He'd do his best to be a cool uncle and hopefully not fail in that endeavour - he was born to be cool uncle and he would do his best to live up to that title. 

He had lay in bed for a few moments once he had woken, okay so maybe he was there for more like a minute and a half, before rolling out of bed and slowly making his way toward the crying baby and, assumedly, his sister. He knew that things had been tough on her lately, he hadn't needed to be told that they had been, for his eyes it was fairly obvious, she was tired, exhausted even, but who could blame her after what had happened. As he neared the room he paused for a moment, sure that he head some other noise, maybe a ringing phone? He wasn't completely sure and he didn't care much either, he just wanted to make sure everyone was okay, or maybe he just wanted to talk because he was now awake and laying in bed while such was not a good use of time, ever. He stepped into the doorway as the phone rang again, his eyes falling onto his sister as she cradled her child. It was a beautiful sight really, there was a lot of love in that room right then. For a moment he stood there, watching, before leaning on the door frame and speaking up. "Not going to get that?" He asked, his voice quiet yet able to be heard throughout the room. Carter didn't care if she answered the phone or not, it wasn't going to affect him. "Who calls at this time anyway?" He asked before realising that he didn't even knew what time it was - for all he knew it was the middle of the day, though really he knew that it was most definitely not the middle of the day.

tagged - charlotte isabella haywood_ // words - 614 // notes - its like half the size of yours, im sorry D=

810 words

@carter

outfit; merp

IT GETS HARD EVERY DAY

it was easy to pretend that everything was okay when she was in front of the public. she knew how to play the dutiful celebrity. she knew how to act, what to say, and when to even laugh in the proper moment. she had mastered the art of being a celebrity at a young age. it was easy for her to let this bubble of fake reality envelope her for a moment and keep her busy. she welcomed it, even. because in front of the public, she could let herself think that zach was just stationed somewhere. that he was fighting for his country. it was easy to believe that he would come back to her. it is in the comfort of her own home, however, that made it impossible for her to even fake a smile even though she did it anyway. just long enough to lie to her manager. she had a mixed feeling about home. while she would love to stay here forever and just do nothing, and just wallow in her misery, she also couldn't stand to be in the house. a house where every inch, every corner reminded her of him. like how she could just snuggle with him on this very couch she was sitting on, and they would just talk for hours. sometimes it would be nothing at all. they would just sit there and revel in the presence of the other. or like the wall in ana's room where zach had spent months painting when she was still pregnant. he had never been much of a painter or an artist in general. it always cause a bubble of laughter to burst from her lips when he tried to be creative with cards. but he told her he had wanted to surprise her. that he wanted this gift to be for his daughter. just a day before she was due, he blindfolded her and took her into their would be baby's room, and untie the blindfold. the painting was magnificent. she could tell he had spent many nights in there, fixing mistakes and redoing it. but she had been blown away by his dedication to produce something their daughter would be proud of. and like the unfinished reading room he was going to build her just outside their back yard. it would face the ocean, and it would be filled with windows and cozy pillows. he had promised her that he would build a seat by the window so that she could read with her favourite cup of coffee and rain falling against the window, but she would be warm and dry. "stop it, charlotte." she thought to herself thoughtfully as she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes. she needed to stop torturing herself with all these memories. but how could she not when they were everywhere? it was in the eyes of their daughter, the wilting flowers on the table he bought her for no reason. it was the garden they never started, and the clothes he left before he reported for duty. she couldn't bring herself to open his closet doors in fear that if she did, a new set of memories would flood, and it would just make things worst. no, she had to stop thinking. to stop feeling. she jumped slightly when she heard a voice from the door frame. for a moment, her mind tricked her into thinking that it was zach. she hadn't had another male figure in the house in a while. other than her manager, of course, but he was a different story. michael bellowed his entrance. he never entered in silence. it took her a moment to realize the voice belonged to her brother. she glanced up at him hesitantly before turning her head towards her cell phone and then turning her attention back to him with a shake of her head, "it's not important" she mumbled. well, she assumed so anyway. nothing her manager had to say seemed too important these days. she just couldn't wrap her mind around the motivation to get back to her life. to start practicing for her next big competition. she shrugged at him, "my manager, most likely. probably just checking up on me or wanting me to do this interview or that interview." it was nothing new. nothing she was interested in. she knew this was the part where she attempted to smile and make her brother know she was okay when she wasn't, but she couldn't make herself smile. so instead, she attempted at small talk, "how was your sleep?" she asked, but before he could answer, she followed it up with another question, "did ana wake you? i'm sorry. i could take her out for a walk if you want to go back to bed. unless you want breakfast? i could make you breakfast."

x

He was worried, but hey he was always worried. No, that was a lie, he was only ever worried when he needed to be worried, or when he wanted to be (but that wasn't exactly often because who the hell wanted to be worried, ever?). He knew that his sister wasn't okay, no-one could blame her and if she was okay that would be reason to worry even more but for all different kinds of reasons. He didn't want to worry for those reason and he knew that he didn't have to because god damn his sister was not that kind of person, he was sure he'd know if she was. Continuing to lean on the doorframe he tilted his head to the side slightly, not entirely believing that the call wasn't important. Though really it could be just that, the most unimportant call in the world, but he was sure that wasn't the case, it was rare to get those kinds of calls at five in the morning - but that's not saying that it's completely impossible. "I don't know, someone probably thinks that's important." He said softly, he was fairly sure that her manager would find it important even if she didn't, it was his job after all, but he wasn't going to say anything more on the matter - he (or she, he didn't know) shouldn't be calling at such times anyway. He covered his mouth with a hand as he let out a small yawn, doing his best to hide it from her because he was not tired, at all. He had become rather skilled at forcing his body to appear and function as if it had had a full night of really good sleep when in fact it had not - though in this case it was just a little confused as to why it hadn't been getting up super early and doing all those things that being in the Royal Airforce caused it to do. Vacation was an awful awful thing to some - but Carter loved it even if it confused the hell out of his body.

"She didn't wake me." He lied, shaking his head. It was perfectly feasible for him to have already been awake at this time, he had often been awake this early for work so for all she knew his body clock was set to wake up before now, even if it wasn't. His body would have to get used to not doing much for a little while until he figured out what he was going to do employment wise now that he had decided to stay in the states - that was something he had to talk to his bosses about actually, he didn't even know if they'd be okay with that, maybe he could just work out of America instead? Gah, he didn't know what he was going to do, but that was most definitely something for future Carter to work out, right now he was focused on Charlotte and making sure she was all good, or at least mostly good. "Breakfast sounds fantastic, but you don't have to." He wasn't going to say no to food, even if it was the grief stricken sister who was going to make it. Of course he was well skilled enough to make his own breakfast, he'd done it before and he'd do it again, but the offer was there and well, he wanted to take it up even if it made him feel bad. But then again, making him breakfast might keep her mind busy, keep it off what she lost (or who), maybe it could do her some good. "How did you sleep?" He asked quite quickly after agreeing to breakfast. He was fairly sure that she wouldn't have slept well, he couldn't blame her, he only hoped that she had slept well. He ran a hand through his hair and messed it up a little - not that it needed messing as it was already fairly messy as is, that's what sleeping tends to do to hair. 

tagged - charlotte isabella haywood_ // words - 675 // notes - /hands rambly piece of crap =(

879words

@carter

outfit; mrowl

IT GETS HARD EVERY DAY

she knew people were worried about her. news have been circulating over the web lately about a rumoured early retirement from her surfing career. that was nothing new though. the media was constantly making up things that weren't true. they often liked to stir up trouble and put her into a bad light or make someone in her life look like some sort of bad guy. anything she said could and would be used against her in any and all situations. after a while she learned not to pay too much attention to what they had to say about her. good or bad. if she paid too much attention to the good, it would get to her head. that would be bad because she wouldn't compete as well as she did. she'd feel too pressured and get it in her head that she would screw up. bad because if she allowed herself to believe it, she would definitely screw up. the best thing to do was just take everything with a grain of salt. but her fans had a habit of believing the media. they'll say "sources say" and charlotte never understood what sources they were. she didn't have enough friends to really know much about her or even hang out with her. the only people who surrounded her life was her manager, pr, stylist and her family. people she trusted with her life. none of them would go around spreading rumours. at least, she sure hoped not. the only possible suspect was her father's new play toy thing. she did not trust the woman. especially when said woman was young enough to be her little sister. the girl was not to be trusted, especially if she was willing to marry a man three times her age. there was no way that a young thing like her would marry her dad out of love. but no matter, it wasn't that charlie was worried about what the media wrote about her. she didn't care. she was just worried that her family would be worried about her. worried that she would fall into the depths of depression even though she pretty much was. she knew she would have to convince her brother that she was fine so he could relay the message to the rest of the haywoods. somehow, she had to make him believe that she was going to be okay on her own. that she was capable of being a single mother while juggling her demanding career because if she knew her brother as well as she thought she did, she knew he would put anything on hold for her. even if that meant moving here to keep an eye on her. and she just couldn't ask that out of him. wouldn't let him give up his dream job for her.

plus, it would be fine. she just had to fall back into her previous routine life. she'd wake up at five in the morning, just as her manager would call her to wake her up. she would get ready, and meet him down at the beach for an early morning practice with the rest of her team. they'd start off with a five mile run, and then they would ease into the water. after that, she'd get herself cleaned up and go out to promote her brand and her competitions. and then by the time she got home, she would help make dinner and take care of ana with zach. except…. she just wouldn't be doing the last two things. and that brought the kind of sadness she knew would never go away. she forced a small smile on her face when she turned to look at her brother. her twin. twins that looked nothing alike. she had blonde hair to his chocolate brown. she had olive eyes to his bright blue eyes. but she thought maybe that was for the best. that they didn't look alike because then they couldn't say she looked like a guy or that he looked like a girl. just because they were twins. "he'll make an appearance if it's really important."  he had a habit of doing that. especially if he knew she was ignoring his calls on purpose so she could avoid the responsibilities of a celebrity for the day. sometimes he would let her get away with it. let her have that one day to herself. but sometimes he wasn't so sympathetic and he would all but drag her out of the house to get things done. she stood up from the chair, careful not to wake her baby girl. she shook her head at her brother, "i want to. it's fine." she told him, laying a hand on his shoulder reassuringly when she was passing him to go to the kitchen. "plus, it gives me something to do." that is, something other than sit and wallow in her misery while she tried not to wake her daughter up. she glanced over her shoulder back at him, forcing another slight smile, "i slept fine." if fine meant she hadn't slept at all, and when she tried to, all she did was wake up in fits of tears. she gently laid her daughter back into the crib, "what would you like?"

x