HAPPY THE HARD WAY.

age twenty.

'electrified, we burn all night
paralyzed by black and white
but who are you and who am i?
electrified, we burn all night

i want you to fall apart like i did
you to hurt for all of this
all the pain you put me through
i wanna hear you say i don't deserve you

fall apart like i did
you to hurt for all of this
all the pain you put me through
i wanna hear you say i don't deserve you
fall apart'


he was the bad boy of the family. the guy who wanted to feel he was living on the edge at times. lionel being the son of one of those rich bastards didn't do much harm to him, from his own perspective. he did his own thing with the money he earned and gained over the years. from his monthly allowance to his money earn from gigs. he did pretty good for himself and for his band. everyone was happy for a time. a time that might have been too good to be true. a life that lionel had wasn't meant to be one that was truly happy, people of the rich and famous (or the almost famous) didn't always have the easiest of luck in life. there was always a down side with their lifestyle, and that should mean something bad would have happened during lionel's life along the way. knowing when would be the hardest thing to even calculate. no one could have seen what was coming, no one even expected. it was totally out of the blue. the son of a rich bastard, the lead singer of an up and coming band, goes and tries to commit suicide. the news nearly broke the family part, the news ended the bands career for a time. lionel broke himself.

local news had covered the incident, it only appeared in his state. mr. croft himself made sure it didn't make national news, it would have broke him. not him personally, but the family name, lionel himself. lionel's fans. everyone would be torn to hear that the lead singer of this new up and coming band tried to commit suicide only have one album being released and an ep of a few songs that would mostly be on the next record which would have came out in the next year or so. but with this incident, nothing happened. lionel broke the rules. the rules that he wanted to follow. to be apart of this great fanbase to be successful all on his own. and all of it went down the drain. all is gone. nothing is left. and nothing is left to save, but his self. his own damn self. he ruined his chance, he can fix his own faults. one step at a time.

age twenty.

'tonight you're mine
i wanna shake it
your eyes can't lie
no, you can't fake it

this is everything that i wanted tonight

so come on
whoa, i've got no one
whoa, no one but you, yeah

whoa, yeah i've got no one
i've got no one
no one but you

i want your heart
so i can break it
i want to be inside your web
with no escaping

this is everything that i wanted tonight
yeah

so come
whoa, i've got no one
whoa, no one but you, yeah
whoa, yeah, i've got no one
i've got no one

don't stop
we're just getting started
don't talk
i know you want it

i'm gonna get what i want
you get what you want
we're just getting started

don't stop
we're just getting started
don't talk
i know you want it'

screwed over. left for nothing. used up and dried up. he was in the shit hole. the shit hole he didn't want to be placed in. it was the place that he was left for dead in a sense. in the sense that he didn't want to be used like he just was. used for someone's own personal gain. the gain that would have never happened in he was just a little less careless of who he dated. who he dated meant a whole lot. there were people out there who would love to have the money he came from. the money he grew up. the money he barely got a hold of himself. gaining only a few bucks here and there out of the fortune. everyone month an allowance was given. to last the entire month. to be spent on whatever he pleased. most of it went towards band props, band gear. everything needed to help the band out with anything.

lionel was a good person to understand how money worked. his father was considered to being this rich bastard, what his friends called him. the rich bastard. because in a sense, lionel's father was just that. a harsh man who wanted his children to learn the basics of money and how to handle it. they weren't given the spa treatment growing up, they learned the hard way of life. living on limited amount of money. never over spending. it would grow character and it would help all of them out in the end, anyways. lionel never overused his money. he barely spent it all the simplest things in life. whatever was in his room was what he purchased. the things that truly meant the most to him. the things he saved his allowance for to get himself. those were the things he adored more than his girlfriend. and he doesn't even regret that today.

lionel's girlfriend was a hot babe, from what his friends used to call her when she was never around. she was the girl that most jocks would adore to have as their own lady. except lionel wasn't this jock type person, he was just a normal dude to say the least. in the emo crowd, to say the least, even though he really wasn't even part of that crowd. he was more of the rebel personality. but his girlfriend tired her hardest to get with him. he didn't even have to try, but he was reluctant to get with her, for personal reasons. personal reasons that got in the way with every relationship. his personal issues, of actually trusting the women he dated. he has high standards for dating, and trust is one of the highest standards he has. his girlfriend kept hassling him for a few weeks before he finally said yes to go out on a date and even consider them to be dating. callie rose. she was something else. she appeared to be the best person out there for him. that one person he could trust, and she threw it all away. all away for nothing. she gained nothing, but hatred.

callie rose. is a cheater. a scammer. a con-artist. a backstabbing bitch. trust was the highest standard he had and she broke it. broke the one thing that meant the most to him. she cheated on him, with some low-level person. in a bar, where lionel and his friends frequented a lot. all the time. it was the bar they liked the most. caught sight of her as soon as they walked in. next to the front door. lips locked. ass grabbed. pulled in tightly. lionel stood there watching like an idiot. he pushed it off the first time. screw me once, shame on you. screw me twice, shame on me. screw me three times, you're out the door on the step, in the pouring rain. lionel tried to get things fixed between the two of them. they were long gone. there was no repairing in that relationship. it was gone. his trust was gone for her. he caught her again, with the same guy, in the same bar, a week later. he called it off before he even left the bar. the week after, he tried to commit suicide.

age twenty.

'i could have been easier on you
i could have been all you held on to
i know i wasn't fair
i tried my best to care about you

i know i could have been a better man
but i always had to have the upper hand
i'm struggling to see the better side of me
but i can't take all your jabs and taunts
you're pointing out my every fault
and you wonder why i walked away

when you tell me i'm a wreck
you say that i'm a mess
how could you expect anything less?
you latched on to me
then cried i strung you along

i told you when you asked
i knew this wouldn't last
at least i could be honest about that
and now you're telling everyone
how i only did you wrong
i guess you never knew me at all

remember on my twenty-first birthday
you took me where we went on our first date
we stayed until closing time
after four glasses of wine

you started with a pointless argument
you said that i forgot to compliment
the dress you wore that night
that i've seen a thousand times

but i think we just want different things
i want space, you want a diamond ring
whatever made you think we were meant to be?

when you tell me i'm a wreck
you say that i'm a mess
how could you expect anything less?'

he was done with callie rose, she ruined him. ruined the way he was. ruined what he stood for. she broke his trust. the bond they shared. for what? nothing was gained. everything was lost for her cause. she got nothing. she received nothing in the end. it's a win, wasn't it? a win for who? no one won anything. things were torn to shreds. bonds were broken. chaos rose, nothing died down. they fought. bickered back and forth outside that bar. she pushed him a few times, he resisted knowing she would probably call rape against him. get a few big drunk guys outside to beat the living shit out him, he wasn't ready for that. he wasn't like that. she could win the battle of the fight, but she wouldn't be winning anything. she lost her chance to steal money from him.

the week after the fight, he was broken. everything was different. nothing could ever appear the same to him. he threw everything out on the street that was hers, all that week. the end of the week came. his apartment was bare of her. she was no longer a presence. as if she had never even stepped foot inside his life, his apartment. he sulked within the walls of his apartment that entire week. throwing her shit out and balling his eyes out. not because he was cheated on, because that was a possibility, but because he had trusted her. he thought she might have been someone that could last longer than it did. six months. they dated that long. he was used that long. her plan lasted that long. her plan was to steal money from him. slowly and small amounts. building up to the moment where she had enough of his money to leave him and go their separate ways. except it back fired. her dirty plan back fired in her face. she got nothing and was going to get nothing.

lionel on the other hand, received the bad end of the stick. he was lost. torn to pieces. broken. he didn't know what he was going to do. he might have been over reacting at this point, but some of the things that meant the most to him in a relationship with anyone was broken. he counted on the trust a person has in a relationship, whether it was a friendship or a partnership. trust was a high priority to him. with his family history it meant a great deal for him to be able to have those friends in his life that didn't care about money. money wasn't everything people thought it to be, and lionel believed that. money brought nothing to him. happiness wasn't made, it was destroyed. torn apart in front of him.

lionel wrote a note. a note that his family would surely find. hopefully soon, maybe by the next day or so. he was out of it. he didn't really know what he was doing. he felt somewhat depressed. heartbroken. tormented by the demons that were inside. all that build up tormented the living crap out of him. it might have taken weeks for him to go back to normal, if he even was going to go back to normal. a bottle of pills sat behind the mirror in the bathroom. the drug of choice. sleeping pills would do the trick. not the greatest of kills, but they were on hand. downing all of them, lionel laid on his bed. note beside him on the night stand. the bottom lying on its side. the cap lying beside it, bottle empty. lionel waited for the affect of feeling tired and wanting to close his eyes. this would be the last time he would be awake on the earth. this is how he wanted to end it. he wanted to go out like this. without a single soul knowing what he was doing. they soon find out later. after the deed. after he was gone. maybe then peace would come.

age twenty.

'tell me it's over
tell me we finally made it through
the comfort in silence
turns to panic once again

we're caught in a landslide
we're dirty, we're broken black and blue
the feeling lose
in every signal that we send

how could a love hurt this bad?
how could we lose all that we had?
why do we follow through?
what keeps us hanging on?

we lived like a storm and let it ride
for all of the times we felt alive
but some times love just can't make you stay
when you're happy the hard way

say what you can't say
say it's the end, say anything
there's something to find
in all the places you fear

lost in a moment
when it's only me and you
there is no other place
i'd rather be but here
and those are only times
that make the world disappear'

he felt as if he was placed in a straight jacket. locked up and sealed away. tormented by his own desires. succeeding in nothing, he accomplished nothing in his life. he felt as if he was useless to the world around him. the deed was done, but he was still there. still there to be tormented for the crimes he didn't commit. the crimes he would be stuck with his entire life. the crimes weren't even his burdens, but they sure felt like they were. the burdens were of one who shall not be named. she shall not be named for she doesn't deserve to be recognized anymore. she broke the bond. she broke the boy. she broke a simple heart. a simple heart with potential. potential that has been lost. lost in the need to be found once more. that potential is in hiding, hiding in a world where one just needs to be looking for it, in the right place of course. time will tell. time can only tell, tell of when things will slowly go back. go back to the way they use to be, to where things were much happier.

lionel was in a bare room. a room filled with white, everything around him. nothing of color except for what laid outside the single window providing natural sunlight. he sat on the bed, arms crossed his chest. he felt horrible, he felt like shit. the guilt was building up inside of him, not because he wanted to leave this world and tried to, but because his younger sister found him. she found him lying in bed only minutes after him closing his eyes for the final time. she freaked out when she saw what he did. with addison being his youngest sister, it was a big deal. a big deal anyone would want to freak out about, not because a sibling is seeing their older sibling try and commit suicide, but to even think they were selfish enough to even commit it. lionel woke in a hospital bed, thinking he was elsewhere. in the beyond. the spirit world (he watched too many supernatural flicks). he was groggy when he woke, taking only a few minutes to actually figure out he was in the hospital. his family stood all outside the door, waiting, and not wanting to be in there when he did wake. for reasons that were unknown. lionel saw them through the window, but he didn't make a sound about wanting to usher them in or anything. he just stared up at the ceiling, and wondering how the hell they found him so quickly before the deed was actually done. it was a mystery to him at this point of time. he laid in the position he was placed, instead this time with his eyes open. he laid still for the longest time, and when a nurse came in he closed his eyes quickly before they noticed he was awake. he didn't want to be awake, he wanted to be gone. it was selfish of him to think this way, but it was the truth. his heart was broken, his trust was lost. he was a wreck, and he didn't believe he could ever be happy again. happy in a relationship, so there didn't seem any point for him to be living. it was selfish stupid reason, but it was the only reason he could think of.

it took a few hours before anyone even realized that lionel was a wake. he was moving too much because staying still for so long when you're awake is the hardest thing to do. he kept moving and bed was creaking throughout, he just couldn't keep still any longer. he watched as his family slowly piled into the room, gathering around his bedside. he felt terrible to be in this situation with them all gathering around. it felt uncomfortable. it didn't feel right for him to be the center of attention for once. he hated being the center of attention, he wasn't the attention hogging croft, he was the croft that stood in the background, against the crowd. hidden from plain view. it felt safer that way for him. prying eyes were plastered on him. which was ironic considering he had been the lead singer of his band, and it didn't bother him there. but out of context and in the open of something he did all by himself was another thing. another thing he didn't dare want to happen. lionel saw disappointment in his father's eyes. he saw sadness in his mother's, grief and worry in his sisters'. and an evil smirk on his brother's face to say 'look like you're the one getting in trouble once more.' that sibling rivalry was strong between the two of them. bickering back and forth as time passed as they grew up. trying to gain the upper hand of father's approval, but now lionel received his disapproval. and garrett consumed every last gulp of pride within this moment.

he rolled in the direction away from his family, he didn't want to see them anymore. he felt awful about the ordeal, but it was said and done. he couldn't reverse time and start over. if it was an option, it was possible he would, but he didn't have any regret for it. he felt no remorse for trying to take his own life. he tried and he failed, and he is to live with that moment for the rest of his life. though it might not be as easy it as it seems, as his father had other plans for him, but those plans sort of went down the drain when lionel made the biggest fool of himself and broke the dreams he once had. but life goes on and people move forward, whether its a good move or a bad move. lionel faced his consequences of what his father dealt him, but deep down, anyone could tell that lionel was the disappointment of his father, but his father couldn't break the bond between them. seeing the true potential that his son could offer. offer more than his first born could ever do.

lionel held a stakes very high in the croft family, especially between him and his brother. garrett may have been the first born, but it didn't mean he was worth it. garrett was seen as the hot shot, the guy who got what ever he wanted when he wanted it. he had the looks, the charm and the charisma to gain all the girls he always wanted. lionel on the other hand, was the guy who didn't care about the money, the looks, the girls, and the charm; even though that might have worked on some occasions. lionel focused on what he wanted most in life, and that wasn't the fame of being known as a croft, which in fact he would always carry the name, but it didn't bother him. he wanted to work for his glory in life. to receive the gratitude of gaining his own fame through his song writing and band, before it went down hill and was gone altogether. two brothers, the same bloodline, but two different outlooks on life. each carrying for their own goals and dreams in life.

age twenty-three.

'leaving your tears on my shoulder
while your eyes beg me to stay
we were finally changing
it's our luck, we're a little too late

i'd take you with me if there was a way
sorry don't cut it, so i say

take all of your doubts, you can throw 'em out
you may be unsure but i know
i'm always coming back, you can bet on that
you're the only place i call home
near or far, where you are is where i want to be

every lonely night, every drunken fight
gonna make it right i know
if it hurts you bad, put it on my tab
i can pay it back tenfold
you're the only place i call my home

years pass, we're growing older
and you're not sure you can wait
so i promise it won't always be like this
you say it's always the same

we're falling apart if you think so
i'm holding on even if you let go'


he sat in the corner. shoulders leaning against the wall, legs bent with his knees up in the air. his elbows rested on his knees, his face in his hands. his face was wet with tears, he didn't know what he was going to do. he wanted to leave, leave the world behind him. leave everything he knew behind, his friends, his family, his memories. they were lost. all of them were lost and gone from him. he felt different towards them, he felt like he was being selfish. that he was selfish. selfish enough to not even think about them, but only about his self. his broken self. he was different now. different in the sense he wasn't the guy his friends use to call a friend. he wasn't the guy his mother called a good son. he wasn't any of those anymore. he went far beyond that, he went to the extremes to kill himself for selfish reasons he could have got around and he didn't.

he was failure and he felt like one too. fails should be something that helps one learn from their mistakes to fix them for future reference, and yet he felt like he learned nothing but a broken heart.

lionel had not left the house in over two years. two years since he tried to commit suicide, since he went to rehab to try and fix his issues and problems. he lounged around the house. his lounged around his room day after day. he did nothing but just sit there. he was a wreck. and he knew full well of it. his broken up because of him. he told them to do whatever they wanted. he didn't care. they didn't care to stick by him through his issues anyways. they didn't act like how friends should act. friends would have left their selfish reasons behind to help their friend out through the trouble times they were going through. they did not. though he did it first. lionel started this mess and ended it. he was selfish first, but his band mates became more selfish in the end. he found that out when they went on their merry way to find a new lead singer, to create a new album. they created one, but left lionel in the dust, in the dark of it all. giving him little credit to the songs he created for them. created for their fans. the fans he won over. the fans adored him, not them. they were nothing without him. he felt pleased when he heard they broke up for good. when the fans started throwing crap at them during concerts for abandoning him through the rough times he was going through. lionel figured if he ever got back into the game, he would have a fan base in no time. but he wasn't going back. not yet, not any time soon. he might not even consider taking the time to go back. what people even think of him if he return to the music scene? would they think of him differently because he tried to commit suicide, or would they stand him and be a loyal fan? lionel had no idea what to think. and to try it was not an option, not now, not ever in the coming days.

his house was huge, but his room was tiny, tiny enough to keep him busy and isolated from the rest of the world. he liked it, but at times he felt as if the walls were closing in on him. as if the room was too small to hold him any longer. he had been in there for two years never venturing out of the house ever. he barely even left the room. lionel picked himself up and stared out the window he sat next to. staring at the yard that was too big for anyone to call a normal yard. he resented having such luxury when he felt like a wreck. a wreck who didn't need to surround himself in this. he wanted out. somewhere where he felt more relaxed, more at peace, somewhere he could actually call his own. not this mansion he called home for so long where he felt like a ghost running through the halls, sneaking through as quiet as a mouse. he wanted a place of his own. preferably a place elsewhere. somewhere maybe out of the city, out of the state. anywhere but here, anywhere where no one really knew him. that might be the biggest step to help him progress better with life. to start over to start fresh. a fresh start felt right. to help him figure out what he wanted to do with his life, to figure out a new plan.

after hours and hours of staring at his computer screen, he found the place he wanted to go. he found the apartment he liked, and claimed it by calling them. saying he be there in about a week. give or take a few days more or less. but enough time to pack what he wanted, and to drive down to the location. with himself and his two dogs, that his parents didn't seem to enjoy so much. he spent the entire night packing everything up in boxes and suitcases. he packed everything tight into his car, with just enough room for the dogs to have some space in the front seat. not the best choice for them, but it would do for the time being. he was ready for this start. he was ready to change his life around.

age twenty-three.

'home for the weekend, lookin' for a good time
of all the numbers, you end up callin' mine
ready or not, i think i'll give this a shot
i should know better than to give her what she wants

i picked her up and she was three-fourths gone
she passed out before we even got to talk
all i want to know is

where were you when i needed you most?
why did you leave me alone?
we gave up before we gave it a chance
and i don't understand

back to where we left off, baby
'how you been' and 'what's been new with you lately'
just forget it, it's the same old runaround
you build me up just to let me down, down

where were you when i needed you most?
why did you leave me alone?
we gave up before we gave it a chance
and i don't understand'

a fresh start. it should be easy. a new town. new people. a new home to call his own. it should have been easy, but it felt as if a rock landed on top of him and he was holding it up with his entire body weight to just keep it off of him. he wasn't strong or anything, but he felt as if he just hit rock bottom. not because he just moved and came with no money in his pocket because he had money, his father's money. but lionel felt as if people stared at him different. gave him the look that most people would have never give him, for who he was. but here, he actually liked it. the look of the strange, the look of the tattooed man. he secretly like the looks they gave him. it wasn't the same as they were back home. the disappointment showed in people's eyes. the disappointment of failure. failure to stay positive. to keep a positive influence for younger generations. screw younger generations. they were already as fucked as he was, lionel didn't care for what others thought of him. for people would be prejudice no matter who they stared at, for who ever they hated, for whoever had their mind changed over one incident. one incident that had nothing to do with the younger generations. it was his own choice to do what he did, no one else's. he didn't influence every other person to try and commit suicide, it was their own selfish choice. just like it was his selfish choice to try and end his life. it was his decision. no one should put the blame to him for the actions he committed, just like people should put actions to the blame.

lionel was truly happy to get out of his michigan home town, the fresh start felt right. it honestly felt right for him. to find his own way back to society. to find a way to contribute to life itself. to get away from the bad influences that were distractions in his course. they were there to try and lead him off the high road and in the gutter. to destroy his nature and make him the villain. but now this new town had no idea who he was. they didn't see him as a hero or a villain. they didn't see him as a guy who would want to commit suicide over a cheating girlfriend. he was there for himself and his dogs, no one else.

his apartment was something else, giving him enough room to claim a room for himself, his dogs and the living room to store all of his instruments, his instruments being an acoustic guitar and a keyboard. besides that his living room was bare, almost as if no one even considered this place a home. it was now his new home away from home though. a place for him to right his wrongs and write in peace. to get away from the media and news crews the surrounded his house daily. dying to get the 411 on him and anything about him since his accident. this was the time for him to start over and start a better story for himself.