EVERYBODY HURTS.

age twenty-one.

As time flies, so does the people around it. Nothing stays in the same place for very long. Nothing ever stays the same for very long either. He laid in the hospital, lying in a room that wasn't even describable as there was nothing to describe. It was a plain room. A room of white. A room so white that a speck of dust could be seen on the floor, a drop of blood could be noticeable. Nothing could escape the vast terrain of a clean, almost scary room of white. He laid there hooked up to an oxygen machine, unable to breathe at a steady pace. Unable to move any muscle without aching. Unable to remember anything that happen. What happened before his grand entrance into the hospital still remains blurry. Blurry for him to answer questions to the police, to the firefighters that pulled him out, grasping onto the lifeless body in his arms. He couldn't even remember who he was holding. He knew it was someone that was close, but his mind came up blank. The moments before came up blank. It would take days for him to start to remember everything. It would take weeks for him to be functional again. Weeks of his life lying in a bed in a white room, a room that scared him more than anything. Lying in that bed did wonders to him, it changed his mind. It changed the way he thought about the littlest of things. He took everything to the next level, staring at the little things in the room. Staring at them for days, upon days. Staring at nothing else, until movement came.

His body laid wrapped up hidden from his view. Sheets covered his body from neck to toe. His body laid in that bed without a single pain, a single pain disappeared from his body. He was on a morphine drip. He stared at the drip for hours, wondering what the clear liquid was. He saw the nurses come in every few hours to check on him, he watched them intently. Changing his catheter, making sure he was feeling alright. He never answered them, he stayed silent. Silent and somewhat scared. He couldn't remember what had happen and where he was when it happened. He wanted to see his parents, his sister, his girlfriend. He wanted to see a familiar face. A face that would help calm his nerves. The nerves he could barely even feel. He felt helpless in the bed he laid in. In a frozen state that scared him, unable to move, unable to feel. He was started to panic and the nurses could tell. They kept soothing him, telling it's going to be alright. That his family were on their way to see him. He felt a little relieve, but he didn't hear anything about his girlfriend. Eloise, he was still waiting for her. Waiting for them to say her name, or something about her, at least. But nothing of it came. His heart nearly skipped a beat. A beat that could never be regained. He felt as if he failed, failed his life somehow. Failed as if he could never succeed something ever again. Josef Casper Norling, was never one to fail anything in his life, this day he did. He failed the one person he loved with his entire heart. And his entire heart was taken away, leaving an empty place of sorrow and remorse.

age twenty-one.

It had been weeks since the fire. He was still left in the dark, the dark of it all. He was still trying to figure out the clues that no one was telling him about. They weren't telling him anything, and he was dying to know what they were hiding from him. His family came in like the nurse had told him, but all he saw was sorrow in their eyes. There was nothing good reflecting back in them. He could see the fear they held, he had waited for them to explain what had happened, but they wouldn't say. They said they weren't allowed to speak of it until he was stable enough to fully understand. Understand, what exactly? He wanted to know, he was dying to know what was going on and what they were hiding from him. He wanted to know where Eloise was, he was dying to see her face. Her innocent face he couldn't even remember. One would have thought he would remember her face from being in a relationship with her for so long, but whenever he tried to remember what she was like his mind went blank. Blank as a piece of paper, black as the cold of night. He could not remember what his girlfriend's face looked like. He couldn't speak up and speak with his parents to ask for a picture, or to even ask where she was and why she wasn't by his side.

This was the first real moment in his entire life that he felt scared for his life. As things were unable to unfold, unable to be told, unable to understand what was going on. He felt lost in a world he thought he knew so well, and now he knew nothing of the world. Nothing that would help him understand what he was going through. Nothing to help him push his way to succeed at figuring out what had just happened to him and why he was stuck in the hospital for so long. He was dying for answers.

He continued to stare the ceiling of the white room he laid in. He could see movement out of the corner of his eye, he tried to not notice the person standing at the foot of his bed. He tried to keep his eyes on the ceiling until he started to watch the figure move to the chair beside him. He sat down with a board and paper. "Josef, I'm Dr. Dorsey." He turned to stare at the doctor that sat besides him. He was still unable to feel much of his body, but he knew he was also be drugged at this point. He could move his fingers a little bit when no one was looking or watching him. "I'm sorry for you to be in this situation right now. But I'm sure you're aware that you have burns covering the majority of your body." He didn't seem as shocked as most people would have been. Josef had a feeling something was wrong, but to be burned over the majority of his body though, that was something he had to take a few minutes to fully understand. He was slowly starting to put pieces together. Slowly starting to remember the night he barely remembered. Remembering the body he held in his arms when the firemen pulled him out of the barn. He remembered that much of the night and he fully understood what it meant now.

That night was a mystery to him, until now. He could finally piece together at least some of the moments that happened. He finally realized where Eloise has been, and why she wasn't at his side. Tears started to roll down his face, his unscarred face. He turned his head away from Dr. Dorsey not wanting to talk to him or even hear him any further. He wanted to turn away from the guy, but he was still unable to feel parts of his body, so he stayed as he was. His heart broke in two. The realization of it was too much for him to handle, and yet it was the doctor to tell him what was wrong with him, not his parents, not his sister, the damn doctor. He felt like a wreck.

age twenty-one.

Sleep could not come fast enough for him. He continued to stare at the ceiling wondering when his eyes would fall heavy and close. He ignored his parents and siblings when they came by to visit him. It would only be a few more days until he was able to be moved to another section of the hospital for observation as he was healing from his burn wounds. After hearing of the news and figuring out what had happened to Eloise, which was told to him only a few days ago, he started to break down. He stopped eating, he stopped taking in water. He stopped the normal routine he was accustom to. The nurses could tell he was rejecting everything that came his way, and the only way for him to get the nutrients he needed for his body to heal was through an IV. When he had finally fallen asleep at night they come in and hook him up with the fluids he needed and the nutrients to help his body. Josef caught on to it a day or two later, and tried as he might to fight them. He wanted to stay awake as long as possible, so they couldn't save him. He didn't want to be saved at this point.

Remembering that night was like a movie he has just saw only seconds before. Flashing before his eyes, every time he saw the flames burst up at them in the rafters, surrounded by hay. He could see the fire consume the hay bales all around them, using them to help fuel their destruction. Their destruction of the barn they had fallen asleep in. Josef was lucky enough to get down from their location and help Eloise down before the fire engulfed her in flames, as well as him. He could hear her screams through the loud destruction. Her screams calling for help, her slowly dying, he couldn't get her out of his head. Her screams overwhelmed in, he threw a tantrum in bed. Kicking his feet up and down in anger. Tears were falling from his face at a rapid pace. The nurses came in to see what he was doing and he was doing nothing of harm. They had to try and sedate him or he would pull the bandages off around his legs. His legs were slowly healing like the rest of his body, but with him kicking them up in the air, they were surely to do something. Josef could feel his eye lids slowly becoming heavy, he tried to keep them to stay open, but he lost. His eyes closed and he slowly started to drift into a slumber. A peaceful slumber where he didn't dream of the night of the fire. Didn't dream of Eloise burning to death. He didn't dream of holding on her crisp, scorched body as firefighters dragged him away to safety. He dreamed of nothing, just the blackest that surrounded his mind. His uneasy set mind, filled with sorrow and loss.

age twenty-one.

A night has not gone by that he did not miss her. His love of his life. The one person that knew everything about him, the one who laughed at him for the simple mistakes, the lame jokes. The one person he actually felt himself with. That one person he could never be with again, broke his heart down to the core. The core of his heart was missing, and he had no idea if he was ever going to get it back or not. He didn't know if he was going to find love again, find that one person who could fill the void he had. Fill something that only one person was capable of doing in his entire life. Eloise was his world, he enjoyed waking up to see her sleeping face right next to his. To breathe in her scent that filled the room. To see her beautiful sparkling green eyes. To be there in her presence made his heart skip a beat every time. He was in love, and he knew he found the one person he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. To start a family with her, to grow old with her, to watch their grandchildren together. To see their family prosper. And yet all those little dreams were crushed like a boulder. Crushed and thrown to the bottom of the ocean to never be seen again. Josef was alone, heartbroken and he wasn't thinking straight.

He wasn't able to go to her funeral, but everyone knew it would had been better to wait for him to be get better so he would be able to be present, but her parents had demanded they do it after her body was released. He felt guilty for not being there, he felt like he failed the love of his life. He never got to say goodbye to her before she went into the ground. Josef stood in front of her gravestone, seeing the flowers scattered all around it. His heart skipped one last beat. He was in her presence, but it didn't feel the same. His parents stood behind him, a little ways back giving him enough space. He fell to his knees and sat there staring at her name, tears were flowing down his face. Some sobs could be heard from him as he let it all out. He let the grief, he had been keeping in for so long, out, he let it all out at once. He leaned over to the grass and just let his tears fall on her grave. He didn't care about the world around him, he didn't care what others were thinking of him, they were in the back of his mind. He didn't want to leave her, he didn't want to leave Eloise by herself. He wanted to stay with her for the rest of his days. He knew it was stupid, but he needed to be next to her. And he couldn't.

The last thing he could remember was leaning over the grass and crying, and then he felt his father's hand on his shoulder. Telling him that it was time they headed back home. Josef had fallen asleep on her grave, and his parents let him stay there for a few hours, a few hours longer to stay goodbye to his girlfriend. Josef looked at his father, his eyes raw from tears, and he could see he was right. Standing up, he gave Eloise one last goodbye before collapsing in his father's arms and bawling. His sobs were inhuman, he acted as if he was a five year old running to his father because he had scraped his knee against the sidewalk. He felt his father's arms wrap around him, holding on to him as if he was never going to let him go. Josef appeared as if he was a man who never broke down and cried, he appeared as if he could do anything and not show any emotion. He appeared as if he was a manly man, one who was tough on everything that happened. He acted how men were suppose to in this society, except he wasn't a man with what society wanted him to be. He was a man who was twenty-one years old, sobbing in his father's arms because the love of his life was buried in the ground. And he felt as if he should had died instead of her. If he was able to go back in time he would have never gone to that party and fell asleep in that barn. He would rewrite history just for her. He would do anything just for her. Just for Eloise.

age twenty-one.

Days have gone by and nothing has changed. Nothing changed in his mood, his way of life. After his release, after his crying session at the cemetery, he wasn't the same person. The same person he grew up to be, the caring person who would do anything for anyone, the person who would lend a hand to someone. He hadn't been that person for so long it scared him. It scared him to death. He had locked himself in his room for the majority to the days since her death, her passing. He didn't want to see anyone from school, from work, from anywhere. He didn't want to see his parents or siblings. They left him alone, left him alone until he felt ready to get on with his life. It was only a matter of time before he would realize he needed to do something with his life. His life couldn't be left dwelling on the past that would never, could never be fixed. What was done, was done. His state of thought was too much or too little. Thinking of one thing for so long changed his view, it made him over think too much. He grew accustom to the headaches, to the heartaches, to the every day pains. He grew accustom to it as if they were a natural part of his daily routine.

Josef would only leave his room when everyone was out of the house or in their beds sleeping. He didn't want to encounter any of them, not yet. He drank the pain away at the local bars, every night and would come home wasted before his parents were up. He drank the pain away because he didn't want to endure it anymore. He didn't know what else to do. It was easier to do, easier to do than continue life as if nothing had happen. Continue life soulless, without a purpose to follow. What purpose did he have now? His purpose to live was gone, he would have continued on his dream of becoming a baseball player in the MLB, he would have married Eloise, had a family. Live out their days together, grow old and watch their family grow. Watch their family prosper, enjoy the little things in life. Enjoy the memories they had created together. And now the only memories he kept remembering were the ones right before that party. Right before they left the college campus, right before leaving their shared dorm room. The pillow fight they had, the tackling to the floor and kissing. Seeing her green eyes filled with joy over and over again, was breaking him down. It was breaking his heart.

Josef wanted to change his life around. Being locked up in his room for so long, his mind had started to play tricks on him. His mood had been in a depressed state, he wasn't truly sure he knew if he was thinking clearly or not. If he really wanted to change his life around from once wanting to be a baseball player to something else. Something else that had been on his mind ever since he returned home. It would mean he would have to work harder to get to where he wanted to be. It would mean he would have to train slightly more than what an average baseball player would. It would also mean that he would slowly be starting to get his life back on track to something new. Something that he could think would help him cope. Help him hide the fact he had scars on his entire body that he felt guilty for. He needed an escape plan, yet it wasn't really an escape plan, just another career choice, a career choice that he truly thought hard about. It wasn't an impulse decision, but something he truly thought could change his life around. To change his mood of losing the one person he was in love with, with trying to save others that do have the better chance of being saved.

age six.

He sat in front of the television in his footed pajamas, watching what was on intently. He had gotten up early just to watch the movie. The movie he couldn't stop watching, he had watched it a thousands times over again. Peter Pan had the life he wanted. He wanted to have the life that Peter Pan had. To never grow up and to never grow old and be an adult. He wanted the adventures that Peter Pan had, to fight with Captain Hook, to fly around the Lagoon with the mermaids. To dance with the Indians and Tigerlily. To fight the bickering fights with Tinkerbell, to follow the Lost Boys on their adventures around the island. He wanted to do all that. And a boy with an imagination like that, he wanted to be Peter Pan for Halloween. He didn't care about wearing tights or the that he might looked odd wearing something that resembled a skirt. He didn't care. Peter Pan made him happy and sitting there in front of the television in his footed pajamas was something he enjoyed most.

That morning was a day no one could forget. It was Christmas morning, and being six years old it was a big deal. But in the honest opinion of it all, Josef was more interested in watching Peter Pan. At least until everyone else got up and would open presents together. As he was the only one up and awake, he started the movie himself, he watched already twice before everyone started showing up in the living room. He held onto his feet as they touched and rocked back and forth watching Captain Hook and Peter fighting. He watched the scene intently and started repeating the words that they were saying. Being in sync of it all, mirroring the words, his parents watched him. He was their pride and joy following their daughter, Josef's sister, Gry. She grew more eager to open presents, and more antsy as the movie played on. "When can we open presents?" She asked, sounding as if she grew bored of watching the movie. Josef gave her a nasty glared, stating something along the lines of, 'let me finish my movie.' And then returned his eyes to the screen. Plastered to it. Josef's father began to work on breakfast before they intended to open presents. Pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, and sausage. The smell of breakfast wafted through the first floor of the house, making Josef's stomach growl. His need for food grew more intense as the movie stared to finish up. As soon as the credits started rolling he booked it to the kitchen table. Gry followed closely behind with relief that after they were done eating they could finally open presents.