Post by august elias herschel on Mar 23, 2015 11:33:16 GMT -5
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AUGUST ELIAS HERSCHEL
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When we are young we think that things can never be so tormented and distraught. We believe things to be innocent and just. To have no end and to have no danger in our eyes and minds. To be able to live without care and be free willed. To expect nothing more from anyone but their present in your life to be there for when you need them most. Except that didn't happen. That broke you, it destroyed the way of how you looked at your life. You were only five years old, you didn't know what was going on. You were distraught, confused, misunderstood. Standing there staring distantly at the wall before you, as the people around you walked and talked, no. They were yelling besides you, as you sat on the couch watching tv. They were screaming their heads off at each other and yet you had no idea what they were doing. They were your parents. They were yelling back at forth, fighting over silly things. But you still loved them, they were your parents, you couldn't do much about it. They were always going to love you. And yet in that moment it didn't feel like that. It felt like they were at war. War with each other, as you sat on the couch watching cartoons.
Your sister, is eight years old, three years older than you. She whisks you away from the fighting. She knows better than to stick around your parents while they are like this. It's dangerous, it's an unknown territory that neither one of you really understand. You both know it's awful to hear and to witness, but you don't know what it's about. You don't know the reasoning behind the fighting. Your parents make a show about everything. They are calm and collected when in public and when company is around, but are monsters when there's no one else around. Sawyer doesn't know what to tell you either. She's trying to make sure your innocence stays innocent. She doesn't want to see her younger brother be corrupted by the harm that their house is causing. It's a danger zone that no one wants to be apart of. It's a constant battle, and nothing ever seems to be letting up.
Your parents divorced years later. The reasoning was never really given, until now. You found out by Sawyer. Both of you are in the care of your father, as your mother seems to be the enemy at this point. There's nothing wrong with her though, but you both fear her. Bad memories keep surfacing and nightmares keep coming to you in the middle of the night. The dead of night and screams can be heard, your father rushing to your room to comfort you. You're only eight years old now, but you feel like there's a monster everywhere you go. The memories are ones that you don't want to remember. You've told your father this, your sister, Sawyer. You told your mother at one point to. This was all caused because of you, because of you and your sister. Your both victims. Your father couldn't take it, your mother was the enemy in his eyes. Her father, your grandfather was the caused. You never wanted to see him because he did things. He did things to you and Sawyer. You both fought him many times that you didn't want to do these things. You just wanted to play your games and watch tv, but your maternal grandfather had insisted. He had insisted in doing things. Your mother was distraught when she heard these things, from both of you. She had thought that you were making things up, but you had told your father first, Sawyer had followed. The police had arrived when things became too much and you were told to repeat yourself again. You couldn't do it. It was too much and you cried. Your sister held your hand as she went first, she shared what your maternal grandfather had done, to her, and then to you. You gained the confidence after hearing your sister share to tell the police. You told them everything, every detail. The distrust that was there was heartbreaking. You could see in your mother's eyes that they were swelling. Swelling up with tears, she could not believe it, your father was in rage. He couldn't believe that his father-in-law could do such a thing. Your maternal grandfather was arrested. Your parents divorced. Your sister and yourself chose to stay with your father, the courts ruled otherwise, but you couldn't handle it. It was too much. Even if there was shared custody between your parents, you both wanted to stay with your father. It felt safer with him. It felt like he was your protector, from everything. You looked up to your father. Your mother was just someone who cared for you from time to time, but you associated her with your grandfather. And you didn't understand why you didn't like being in her care, but you knew you didn't want to be.
Years later, you're older now, your parents remarried, your grandfather is still in jail. Your in middle school by now, grade seven, your sister is in high school, grade ten. It's different now, but you still feel like you can't see your mother without seeing your grandfather in her. It's weird as no one really knows about the ordeal but family. Your hesitant to speak about anything, your not shy, but your reserved. You lock everything up inside, like your sister does, but she's more on the 'i don't want to tell you anything' side now. She doesn't share anything anymore. She thinks of you as the annoying little brother as she tries to find her own self. You're the same way, but you're not sure what to do. You're locked in your own skin, unsure of what to think. You always want to go to your father for help and to talk to him, but sometimes you're just unsure of it. You don't want to burden him with things, but he's the only one you can really talk to. You don't like your stepmother too much. She's nice, but you believe she has her own agenda. You don't understand her too much, she just mopes around the house doing nothing. You can't stand it and sometimes you just yell at her. You tell her to do it herself if she asks you. You make a point that she's nothing to you, that she's not his mother, than you aren't her slave. At this point you realize how much you missed your mother. No matter how bad things were in the past, you haven't seen her in years, you don't know how she is or what she's doing. All you know is she remarried like your father did. Neither you nor your sister had ever had a desire to go see her, and she respected that, but you feel guilty. Guilty for blaming her for your grandfather's mistakes. When it wasn't her fault.
You tell your father after school when he came to pick you up that you want to see her. You want to see your mother, out of spite he's not sure if he's ready for you to see her. There's some hesitation in his voice, as if he's not sure if it's a good idea. And yet you want to see her so bad, to see how she's doing. It's been years, the last time you saw her was when you were seven years old. You're now thirteenth/fourteen years old. You feel like your father's hiding something, as if there's something he doesn't want to tell you, but he's not sure how to say it. But you insist that you still want to see her after all these years. He finally agrees, as he drives to pick up your sister from school. She seems unpleased with the idea of seeing your mother. She's forgotten about her and could have cared less. But she agrees to go along for your sake. As it's your desire to see her. You want to see what the years have done for your mother. When the divorce was finalized, your sister and your self ran to your father's side, leaving your mother speechless, with tears in her eyes. You left her because you couldn't see her without seeing your grandfather. And yet something inside of you broke. Something that you haven't felt for years has returned, and yet you really didn't know what it was. Everything had seemed lost after those years. And you're just now trying to finally find yourself. With the first step being, apologizing to your mother. To say how sorry you were for going to your father's side and not ever giving her a chance. And never wanting to go to see her when you could of have had the chance years ago. Your mind is racing with words that you have no idea what to do with. You don't even know what you're going to say or do when you see her. It's all still up in the air, uncertainty and mystery. You turn around to see your sister unamused in the backseat, and yet you're the one who has no idea what you're going to do. Your father pulls up in the drive way to your mother's house. He asks you if you really want to do this, and that it will be alright if you're not ready. You stare at him, with a stern look. You nod your head while answering 'yes, I'm ready.' You feel like this is a good time than any to see your mother. Your father and yourself get out of the car, leaving your sister in the backseat, she didn't want to even see her mother. You both walk up to the door and you ring the door bell. The minutes leading up to the confrontation of seeing your mother is hard, you can hardly wait to see her at this point, so it feel likes forever before the door is opened. On the other side of the door is your mother, still beautiful from the last time you saw her, but now she's plump. Not in the way of being fat on purpose, but you notice that's she's with child, and you're unsure if you want to continue with the meet. You're afraid that she's forgotten about you and your sister and started a new family. Your palms are sweating, you're nervous to continue forward. You're not sure if this was a really good idea or not. Your father pushes you forward through the door, and you resist. You try to stay in place, as you're not so sure if you really wanted to go through with this. And yet something came over you, in that instance, you realize that there's no one else there but your parents. You look up at both of them, you realize the glimmer in their eyes, the way they look at you and look at each other. You realize that your stepmother was never loved, at least not anymore. You realize that child in your mother is your sibling, not a half-sibling who only shares the blood of your mother, but also shares the blood of your father. You just came to the conclusion that your parents had always been in loved, and that your father wasn't mad or annoyed when you had asked him to go see your mother it was a different feeling.
Your father had never actually married your stepmother, so in the long run she was just his girlfriend. He kicked her out and your mother moved back in because she never gotten remarried like your father had told you and your sister. Your sister wasn't really pleased with the news, but then again she would soon forget about it and move forward. Your parents had welcomed twins. Identical twin girls, making you the only son in your family. You thought about this and realized that at least your twin sisters would have an easier life than the one your sister and yourself had growing up. They would keep their innocence and be untouched by the harm from your grandfather. He wasn't allowed to anywhere near children ever again, he wasn't allowed to see his grandchildren anymore because of it. You thought this was the best news in the world, but at the same time your heart sank. Not because of your grandfather but because of yourself. Your heart sank because you realized how of a mess you were, how you locked yourself up and never experienced so much in the world growing up because you kept living on the destruction of your parents divorced, the harm that you had gone through, and yet you never really experienced the love of being a teenager like the rest of the world. Your parents had their eyes on the twins, Gemma and Harlow. They let you do what you want, with of course some rules to follow, you followed suit with your sister. Not in the extreme way as she did, but you stayed by yourself. You never really explored outside of your comfort zone, you stayed to yourself. By high school, most of the kids knew who you were because of Sawyer. You were a freshman, she was a senior. And yet everyone seemed to so surprised to see you stand next to her, you were somewhat taller than her, having already gone through your growth spurt by the holidays and winter break. They all assumed that you were her boyfriend or some causal friend, not that you were her younger brother. Sawyer had always told you to play along with it until they could fool more people about it, and then they would go so far before stating that you were in fact her 'younger' brother. You seemed to enjoy it at times, but only for a bit because you grew uncomfortable with it. It wasn't really something you were use it but you knew your sister didn't mean any harm about it. It was just something that both of you enjoyed doing at times. Probably the only real sibling bonding time you had in high school. After that there really wasn't anything else. Your sister moved out for college and you were stuck at home with the twins. They consumed your parents time, they every time you tried to get their attention it failed, as they were more focused with them. You tried a social experiment to see if they were actually paying attention to you through out school. You asked one of your teachers to fail you knowing full well that you would have aced the class anyways, or at least to see if your parents were paying attention to your grades. A mistake about putting it in the grade book and the computer just screwed it up. You waited until your parents could see the grade, and you sat there watching them. But it barely phase them. It had seemed that since they were able to redo their mistakes and start their lives over again with the twins, you felt like you were their mistakes. That you and Sawyer were the mistakes in their lives because you were abused at a young age. Your childhood taken away from you where it was dark and gloomy. You paid little attention to the twins now because you didn't care. You stopped telling your parent of important events that were coming up, because it was useless. You didn't care anymore. You didn't tell them about graduation either, just Sawyer. But somehow when you were standing up on that stage you could see all of them. You could see your parents sitting next to Sawyer, with the twins besides them. You never told them to come because you felt like they had forgotten you, you felt alone and felt like the mistake they had made. But seeing them there as you were handed your diploma you felt like things were different. You realized that your parents had paid attention to you all this time, but gave you your space. They wanted to succeed on your own without any disturbance to interfere with it.
You're twenty five years old now. You've moved out of your parents house years ago, and have been in a small apartment ever since. You of course share it with a roommate, but you feel like sometimes things should have been different for you if you had taken another road, but you didn't. You liked what you had been doing, you decided in your first semester into college that you were going to be school teacher because you found little kids fascinating despite the twelve year olds that were with your parents. They of course were your siblings and you knew them. But little kids with open minds and extraordinary imagine you felt like you wanted to help them bring it forward. To help them get through their fourth grade year with ease. You felt that fourth grade was enough because it wasn't too young and it wasn't too old, you felt like it was the perfect grade for you because it wouldn't bring back horrible memories for yourself. It wasn't going to hurt you, their teacher, with trying to avoid such things as easy math and reading skills that are just trying to prosper. You felt like it was the best place you to begin a life anyways. You never really told yourself that you were excited for this job though. You had your doubts, you always thought that it might have looked weird for a male teacher teaching children of a young age. Just because of what parents thought, but you're harmless, the problems from within you and not to be reflected on the children you're teaching. You want them to grow up to be wonderful people, to start lives that mean something to them. You hold them with just prosperity that sometimes you forget about yourself at times. And to you that's alright.
Your sister, is eight years old, three years older than you. She whisks you away from the fighting. She knows better than to stick around your parents while they are like this. It's dangerous, it's an unknown territory that neither one of you really understand. You both know it's awful to hear and to witness, but you don't know what it's about. You don't know the reasoning behind the fighting. Your parents make a show about everything. They are calm and collected when in public and when company is around, but are monsters when there's no one else around. Sawyer doesn't know what to tell you either. She's trying to make sure your innocence stays innocent. She doesn't want to see her younger brother be corrupted by the harm that their house is causing. It's a danger zone that no one wants to be apart of. It's a constant battle, and nothing ever seems to be letting up.
Your parents divorced years later. The reasoning was never really given, until now. You found out by Sawyer. Both of you are in the care of your father, as your mother seems to be the enemy at this point. There's nothing wrong with her though, but you both fear her. Bad memories keep surfacing and nightmares keep coming to you in the middle of the night. The dead of night and screams can be heard, your father rushing to your room to comfort you. You're only eight years old now, but you feel like there's a monster everywhere you go. The memories are ones that you don't want to remember. You've told your father this, your sister, Sawyer. You told your mother at one point to. This was all caused because of you, because of you and your sister. Your both victims. Your father couldn't take it, your mother was the enemy in his eyes. Her father, your grandfather was the caused. You never wanted to see him because he did things. He did things to you and Sawyer. You both fought him many times that you didn't want to do these things. You just wanted to play your games and watch tv, but your maternal grandfather had insisted. He had insisted in doing things. Your mother was distraught when she heard these things, from both of you. She had thought that you were making things up, but you had told your father first, Sawyer had followed. The police had arrived when things became too much and you were told to repeat yourself again. You couldn't do it. It was too much and you cried. Your sister held your hand as she went first, she shared what your maternal grandfather had done, to her, and then to you. You gained the confidence after hearing your sister share to tell the police. You told them everything, every detail. The distrust that was there was heartbreaking. You could see in your mother's eyes that they were swelling. Swelling up with tears, she could not believe it, your father was in rage. He couldn't believe that his father-in-law could do such a thing. Your maternal grandfather was arrested. Your parents divorced. Your sister and yourself chose to stay with your father, the courts ruled otherwise, but you couldn't handle it. It was too much. Even if there was shared custody between your parents, you both wanted to stay with your father. It felt safer with him. It felt like he was your protector, from everything. You looked up to your father. Your mother was just someone who cared for you from time to time, but you associated her with your grandfather. And you didn't understand why you didn't like being in her care, but you knew you didn't want to be.
Years later, you're older now, your parents remarried, your grandfather is still in jail. Your in middle school by now, grade seven, your sister is in high school, grade ten. It's different now, but you still feel like you can't see your mother without seeing your grandfather in her. It's weird as no one really knows about the ordeal but family. Your hesitant to speak about anything, your not shy, but your reserved. You lock everything up inside, like your sister does, but she's more on the 'i don't want to tell you anything' side now. She doesn't share anything anymore. She thinks of you as the annoying little brother as she tries to find her own self. You're the same way, but you're not sure what to do. You're locked in your own skin, unsure of what to think. You always want to go to your father for help and to talk to him, but sometimes you're just unsure of it. You don't want to burden him with things, but he's the only one you can really talk to. You don't like your stepmother too much. She's nice, but you believe she has her own agenda. You don't understand her too much, she just mopes around the house doing nothing. You can't stand it and sometimes you just yell at her. You tell her to do it herself if she asks you. You make a point that she's nothing to you, that she's not his mother, than you aren't her slave. At this point you realize how much you missed your mother. No matter how bad things were in the past, you haven't seen her in years, you don't know how she is or what she's doing. All you know is she remarried like your father did. Neither you nor your sister had ever had a desire to go see her, and she respected that, but you feel guilty. Guilty for blaming her for your grandfather's mistakes. When it wasn't her fault.
You tell your father after school when he came to pick you up that you want to see her. You want to see your mother, out of spite he's not sure if he's ready for you to see her. There's some hesitation in his voice, as if he's not sure if it's a good idea. And yet you want to see her so bad, to see how she's doing. It's been years, the last time you saw her was when you were seven years old. You're now thirteenth/fourteen years old. You feel like your father's hiding something, as if there's something he doesn't want to tell you, but he's not sure how to say it. But you insist that you still want to see her after all these years. He finally agrees, as he drives to pick up your sister from school. She seems unpleased with the idea of seeing your mother. She's forgotten about her and could have cared less. But she agrees to go along for your sake. As it's your desire to see her. You want to see what the years have done for your mother. When the divorce was finalized, your sister and your self ran to your father's side, leaving your mother speechless, with tears in her eyes. You left her because you couldn't see her without seeing your grandfather. And yet something inside of you broke. Something that you haven't felt for years has returned, and yet you really didn't know what it was. Everything had seemed lost after those years. And you're just now trying to finally find yourself. With the first step being, apologizing to your mother. To say how sorry you were for going to your father's side and not ever giving her a chance. And never wanting to go to see her when you could of have had the chance years ago. Your mind is racing with words that you have no idea what to do with. You don't even know what you're going to say or do when you see her. It's all still up in the air, uncertainty and mystery. You turn around to see your sister unamused in the backseat, and yet you're the one who has no idea what you're going to do. Your father pulls up in the drive way to your mother's house. He asks you if you really want to do this, and that it will be alright if you're not ready. You stare at him, with a stern look. You nod your head while answering 'yes, I'm ready.' You feel like this is a good time than any to see your mother. Your father and yourself get out of the car, leaving your sister in the backseat, she didn't want to even see her mother. You both walk up to the door and you ring the door bell. The minutes leading up to the confrontation of seeing your mother is hard, you can hardly wait to see her at this point, so it feel likes forever before the door is opened. On the other side of the door is your mother, still beautiful from the last time you saw her, but now she's plump. Not in the way of being fat on purpose, but you notice that's she's with child, and you're unsure if you want to continue with the meet. You're afraid that she's forgotten about you and your sister and started a new family. Your palms are sweating, you're nervous to continue forward. You're not sure if this was a really good idea or not. Your father pushes you forward through the door, and you resist. You try to stay in place, as you're not so sure if you really wanted to go through with this. And yet something came over you, in that instance, you realize that there's no one else there but your parents. You look up at both of them, you realize the glimmer in their eyes, the way they look at you and look at each other. You realize that your stepmother was never loved, at least not anymore. You realize that child in your mother is your sibling, not a half-sibling who only shares the blood of your mother, but also shares the blood of your father. You just came to the conclusion that your parents had always been in loved, and that your father wasn't mad or annoyed when you had asked him to go see your mother it was a different feeling.
Your father had never actually married your stepmother, so in the long run she was just his girlfriend. He kicked her out and your mother moved back in because she never gotten remarried like your father had told you and your sister. Your sister wasn't really pleased with the news, but then again she would soon forget about it and move forward. Your parents had welcomed twins. Identical twin girls, making you the only son in your family. You thought about this and realized that at least your twin sisters would have an easier life than the one your sister and yourself had growing up. They would keep their innocence and be untouched by the harm from your grandfather. He wasn't allowed to anywhere near children ever again, he wasn't allowed to see his grandchildren anymore because of it. You thought this was the best news in the world, but at the same time your heart sank. Not because of your grandfather but because of yourself. Your heart sank because you realized how of a mess you were, how you locked yourself up and never experienced so much in the world growing up because you kept living on the destruction of your parents divorced, the harm that you had gone through, and yet you never really experienced the love of being a teenager like the rest of the world. Your parents had their eyes on the twins, Gemma and Harlow. They let you do what you want, with of course some rules to follow, you followed suit with your sister. Not in the extreme way as she did, but you stayed by yourself. You never really explored outside of your comfort zone, you stayed to yourself. By high school, most of the kids knew who you were because of Sawyer. You were a freshman, she was a senior. And yet everyone seemed to so surprised to see you stand next to her, you were somewhat taller than her, having already gone through your growth spurt by the holidays and winter break. They all assumed that you were her boyfriend or some causal friend, not that you were her younger brother. Sawyer had always told you to play along with it until they could fool more people about it, and then they would go so far before stating that you were in fact her 'younger' brother. You seemed to enjoy it at times, but only for a bit because you grew uncomfortable with it. It wasn't really something you were use it but you knew your sister didn't mean any harm about it. It was just something that both of you enjoyed doing at times. Probably the only real sibling bonding time you had in high school. After that there really wasn't anything else. Your sister moved out for college and you were stuck at home with the twins. They consumed your parents time, they every time you tried to get their attention it failed, as they were more focused with them. You tried a social experiment to see if they were actually paying attention to you through out school. You asked one of your teachers to fail you knowing full well that you would have aced the class anyways, or at least to see if your parents were paying attention to your grades. A mistake about putting it in the grade book and the computer just screwed it up. You waited until your parents could see the grade, and you sat there watching them. But it barely phase them. It had seemed that since they were able to redo their mistakes and start their lives over again with the twins, you felt like you were their mistakes. That you and Sawyer were the mistakes in their lives because you were abused at a young age. Your childhood taken away from you where it was dark and gloomy. You paid little attention to the twins now because you didn't care. You stopped telling your parent of important events that were coming up, because it was useless. You didn't care anymore. You didn't tell them about graduation either, just Sawyer. But somehow when you were standing up on that stage you could see all of them. You could see your parents sitting next to Sawyer, with the twins besides them. You never told them to come because you felt like they had forgotten you, you felt alone and felt like the mistake they had made. But seeing them there as you were handed your diploma you felt like things were different. You realized that your parents had paid attention to you all this time, but gave you your space. They wanted to succeed on your own without any disturbance to interfere with it.
You're twenty five years old now. You've moved out of your parents house years ago, and have been in a small apartment ever since. You of course share it with a roommate, but you feel like sometimes things should have been different for you if you had taken another road, but you didn't. You liked what you had been doing, you decided in your first semester into college that you were going to be school teacher because you found little kids fascinating despite the twelve year olds that were with your parents. They of course were your siblings and you knew them. But little kids with open minds and extraordinary imagine you felt like you wanted to help them bring it forward. To help them get through their fourth grade year with ease. You felt that fourth grade was enough because it wasn't too young and it wasn't too old, you felt like it was the perfect grade for you because it wouldn't bring back horrible memories for yourself. It wasn't going to hurt you, their teacher, with trying to avoid such things as easy math and reading skills that are just trying to prosper. You felt like it was the best place you to begin a life anyways. You never really told yourself that you were excited for this job though. You had your doubts, you always thought that it might have looked weird for a male teacher teaching children of a young age. Just because of what parents thought, but you're harmless, the problems from within you and not to be reflected on the children you're teaching. You want them to grow up to be wonderful people, to start lives that mean something to them. You hold them with just prosperity that sometimes you forget about yourself at times. And to you that's alright.
LIAM HEMSWORTH - LOCAL - WRITTEN BY HALE
