JUST KEEP BREATHING.

age twenty

the car crash

the pain seared into him. it was as if it was trying to take over what was left of him, he couldn't take it anymore. blood was gushing out, slowly, everywhere. he laid his head on the back of the seat, staring out to his left as firefighters were trying to move the car that laid besides him. crushed metal, crunched up, the front of the car was unrecognizable. the car was no longer a car. the back was missing. the back doors were lying on the ground surrounded by glass. everyone in the immediate area stood on the side in horror. horror was all over their faces. tears rolled down their eyes, they watched in horror as the firemen began their work.

the car was slowly moved, it was the only thing that was pushing into him. his car door was crushed, the left side of the front of the car was ruined. it was far from ruined, it was destroy. the metal digging into flesh. soft, bony flesh. the boy in the driver seat was scared out of his wits. he was unable to move, and all he could do was stare out at everyone. he had watched as the drive who ran into him got out of his car without a single scratch on him. even with the many cars that piled onto his after the initial car. he was unharmed. he stood besides the ambulance, detained. he wasn't going anywhere. he would be charged for what he had just done, even if it was still soaking up his brain matter. it was only a matter of time before it came to realization what was truly happening.

his legs weren't moving, he couldn't move them. what was wrong with them. he was slowly starting to freak out. the paramedics could see the panic on his face. "don't move. whatever you do just try and stay calm." they could only work for so long. it had been two hours since the crash. it had taken the firefighters so long to move the car and be able to understand how to move him without damaging more of what was left of him. which he would survive, but how much would be lose? the boy was only twenty. he has his whole life ahead of him, and it was taken away. his freedom was taken away from him. he couldn't understand what he was going to do. it was all too much for him to handle. he had slowly started to calm himself down, but as things were starting to move he started to freak out, more and more. little by little his panic grew. paramedic put a neck wrap around him, to keep him still and so he wouldn't hurt anything else. the firefighters used the jaws of life. ripping the metal away, slowly, carefully. tearing it away, piece by piece. the paramedics went into there and tried to stop the bleeding from his legs that were crushed.

the pinned car metal had slowed the blood loss, so as soon as it was lifted, the paramedics started to lose the boy. he was going black. the surrounding area was no longer visible to him. whatever happened after he left the conscious world, was all what the paramedics, the firefighters, the surrounding crowd saw. the paramedics lifted him into the helicopter and flew him to the hospital. there would be no time for them to travel by car, the blood loss would be too much and he would be too weak to survive. the crowd watched as the helicopter picked itself into the air, leaving behind the destruction that happened only three hours before.

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age twenty

three days after the crash

the white wash room was too white. too bland, too boring. the outside world through the window had more color than what was inside the small room. the head of the bed was tilted upward, giving the patient an upward stance as he laid in bed. his head had been staring out the window the entire day. it had been three days since the accident. three days since he could feel his toes, his feet, his legs. he couldn't feel them. it was as if they were completely gone from his body. every time he regain consciousness, he had to check that his legs were still there. he had to be sure they weren't gone. to not be able to have the ability to do something scared him. it scared the crap out of him.

he could barely remember what had happened the night of the accident. the last thing he could actually remember was being stuck in his car. being stuck there watching everyone else around him stare at him. just stare blankly, grief had filled their faces, tears had stained their cheeks. fear had risen within their eyes, he could see that. he knew he could see that. fear had swallowed him up, it filled his brown eyes. the feeling of it all was the only thing he could remember to the exact time it took for him to get a grip of what was happening. of what had happened. to come to realize the truth of an outcome was something he had not wanted to know the truth of. it came to him even though he did not want it. to know the truth of someone's own doing was scarier than than the thought that it was of your own will.

the television blared in the background, filling the room with ambient noise. the news channel had best sharing the story of the pile up for the past three days. the cause of it was still unknown to the public. the boy was mention as critical to the public, but his name was not revealed. his parents had told every newscaster to not reveal it for the sake they wanted their privacy. they didn't want their son to be known as the one who was hit first. who was the first victim. the one who wouldn't be able to walk again. the one whose life was turned upside down. the one who lost his entire future, or what would have become of it because of one person. one person that the boy despised so much. he didn't want to see, hear, or speak to the guy who took his ability away. he tore everything away from him. the boy was angry, disturbed, uneasy, lost. he didn't know what was going happen. he didn't know what he would become. how he would change his lifestyle, what was he going to be like? would be people still like him? would they think differently of him? he didn't know. he didn't know how anyone would cope with what he had to live with. it was something that everyone would have to get use to, have to live with. it was something that changed. changed forever and maybe never be the same again.

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age twenty

two weeks after the crash

it had been two weeks since the accident. two weeks of uselessness. two weeks of not knowing what would come next. he was lost for words to describe his situation. he was stable, the boy had been stable for a week and half now. he was slowly regaining his strength, and the he had his own wheelchair now. it sat next to the bed, letting the sun hit off it as it bounced back toward the wall. he hadn't gotten out of bed yet. he hadn't really left the hospital yet. he was just put into another wing, another floor. another area for him to get use to. the boy didn't like it being cut off from the surrounding world around him. his mother brought in his gaming system for him upon request, she brought him a computer, a brand new laptop, as his desktop would be too much. it wasn't much for him, but to have a little freedom was what expected. he lost his freedom to do as he pleased when the accident occurred. he lost his ability to move around freely, he lost the touch of what it meant to have something that most people took for granted. he wanted his freedom again. he wanted the use of his legs.

the resentment was something that was on his mind as of late. he resented so many people, he was angry, annoyed, disturbed with his surroundings. to know the truth of what was going to be was something he didn't like. he didn't want to be stuck to a chair with wheels for the rest of his life. the doctors kept telling him that he would be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his living years. if there was a chance for him to regain his legs, he would love to have that opportunity, but the doctors weren't mentioning any of that to him. they were saying that he would be here in physical therapy to at least understand what he would be doing for the rest of his life. to get from point a to point b. to get from his chair to the toilet, to his bed, to another place. he was there to help strengthen his arms as he would have to lift himself out on his own.

the long hours of being stuck in the hospital have caused him to be arrogant, moody, rude. the boy kept pushing people away, he didn't want to grow close to anyone. he would roll to his side to face away from people who spoke to him, he didn't want to talk to them. they were able to walk, they were able to stand on their feet. they were able to stroll freely. he didn't have the luxury, he had the luxury of sitting on his ass all day long because of a fool. a bastard. a person who shouldn't be able to drive ever again. a person who shouldn't even have a license anymore. the man who crashed into him got off lightly, he didn't like it. who in their right mind would get off lightly for a ten car pile up? with a driver losing his ability to walk? hearts were broken, spirits were disturbed, souls were crushed. the man only got two years in jail, three years worth of community service, and his license revoked. revoked until he could pass a driving test again to prove he was more capable of being a driver without distractions in the car. and the boy? the first victim. he was stuck with a life long sentence of paralyzed legs, nerves destroyed, the inability to walk anywhere. a life long sentence he couldn't understand, he felt more like in a prison than what that driver would have felt. a prison he couldn't escape from.

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age twenty

weeks after the crash

To finally let it set in that he was never going to be able to walk again was something that took forever to do. Yet he finally realized that it was true. After countless sessions of therapy and doctor visits, he finally came to the point of no return. The return of his legs might of had a possibility of being used in the future, but with the crash only newly set in the past, it was still an unsure moment of when he would actually be able to have that chance.

His future was still unknown to him, but he finally was able to leave the hospital to continue his life as it was before the accident. With the changes of a ramp to the house, his room moved to the ground floor instead of the second floor. So many changes were put into place that it seem so odd to get use too and to even realize that it was his own home though. To see what his old room looked like would be a mystery to him until he managed to hide his pride and ask for help up the stairs to see it one last time. To see his parents room one last time as well, as he would be confined to the first floor with his wheelchair. Trying to manage the first floor was hard enough as it was, as furniture was moved around all for him. The out of order chaos throughout the house sort of drove him mad. As change wasn't something he took to lightly, and his life changing drastically was something that made him uneasy. Time was needed for him to get use to everything that would be new territory for him to explore and accomplish on his own.

---

He ran into the couch multiple times just trying to get out of the door. With his room in the back of the first floor, it was difficult to navigate through the maze. It was the boy's first day back to school. To college. He missed so many classes, he didn't know why he just go for an NC for a grade instead of trying to finish through the semester with what he could. To see the faces of the friends he made in each of the classes he took were shocked that it was him that had been in that car accident. The ten car pile up. The twenty year old who lost his ability to walk due to his car crushing the nerves and his ability to feel anything in his legs again. To see how happy some of those people were to see him, brighten his mood more. It made him feel like he did mean something even though it was something that was different about him. He didn't take charity. He didn't want help, he didn't ask for it. His pride was too big for his ego. Though he admitted to himself at the beginning of each class that it was weird to be forced to sit in the front of the class. Not that he had to, but he realized it was much easier to do so. With the width of a small room with desks all in rows, it was something that would be made impossible for him to navigate through, like navigating through his own home. Bumping into everything and trying to not wreck anything. That was the real challenge he was forced upon, but to believe things would be different now was something he hoped for. Well not so much as hoped, but knew would happen. A force that would be pushed to his limits, a force that he really couldn't avoid. That's what he would have expected for what was to come of him as the future neared everything single minute.

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